Notice how often you want other people to behave differently so that you can feel better.
You want your husband to help out around the house so that you know he cares about you.
You want your wife to have more conversations with you so that you can feel more connected.
You want your child to stop being hyperactive so you can feel like you are more in control as a mom.
You want your sister to stop complaining so that you don’t have to feel so annoyed.
You want your boss to praise you in front of others so that you feel like you are enough.
You want your brother in law to stop posting so much on social media so you can stop feeling angry.
You want your friends to invite you to girl’s night so that you can feel likeable and worthy.
How good are you at controlling other people? How good are you at getting other people to do what you want? How’s that working for you?
Needing other people to behave in certain ways in order to feel better is to live on VERY shaky ground. How on earth are you going to get ALL the players to do what you want? It’s impossible. Even if you are able to manipulate someone for a time, it won’t last. “A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.”
It will come crumbling down when they get tired of being your puppet.
I’m not saying we can’t make requests of people. Ask your husband to help out more. Ask your wife to talk with you more. Work on holding your kids accountable for their actions. Ask for what you need. But I recommend you DO NOT tie your emotional wellbeing to their compliance. If they aren’t going to behave how you want them to, THEN WHAT?
How can you ASK for what you need AND figure out how to give yourself what you need?
If your sister keeps complaining, and you want to stop feeling annoyed, how can we make that happen? Go to work on that solution rather than continuing efforts to control another person.
If your boss simply isn’t going to praise you in front of your peers, and you want to feel like you are enough, how can you get that for yourself? What might that look like? Why are you believing you aren’t enough in the first place? Let’s do some work there. Maybe you are in the wrong workplace all together.
Consider why you want someone to behave in a certain way. What is it you want to feel? Is it really something they can give you? Or can we skip the middleman?